TOS: S1E20: “Court Martial”

In which we examine the continuous relevance of books in an increasingly computerized age, particularly in legal matters where intent is everything: A Time To Kirk, The Devil’s AdvoKirk, and To Kirk A Mockingbird.

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TOS: S1E19: “Tomorrow Is Yesterday”

In which I open a bottle of BenRiach 12-year, Kiirk gets pornographic malware, and we see the least coherent theory of time travel ever.

Something something flying saucer section... ehh, fuck it.

Something something flying saucer section… ehh, fuck it.

We’re opening on a US Airforce base. Since all of those were destroyed in the Eugenics Wars, we can presume this is either one of those ‘duplicated earth’ episodes or this is the payoff from the time travel method we discovered in “The Naked Time.” The Air Force appears to have discovered the Enterprise on their radar. And it appears to be teetering back and forth through the sky like it’s drunk.

I never noticed that in the opening credits there appears to be a hurricane covering most of the northern hemisphere of a desert world. What’s up with that?

The Enterprise seems to have been caught near a “black star” or more probably a black hole and done another slingshot maneuver like in “The Naked Time” (Ha! Called it!) to wind up, in Kirk’s words “here, wherever we are.” Helpfully, as soon as the ship is in good shape Kirk orders starfleet command notified so they can update their maps. Presumably therefore, in the 23rd century they have yet to master sensors that operate at high warp. But when they call Starfleet, all they get is the evening news about the first manned trip to the moon. Extremely topical.

It’s worth noting at this point that anything the Enterprise does that affects the past will be altered by any events which alter Kirk’s life. I’m looking at you, JJ Abrams-universe.

The Temporal Prime Directive doesn’t exist yet, though, so Kirk has the pilot of a US Air Force jet beamed aboard. I suppose it’s better than accidentally

Unless the Air Force has standing-cockpit planes I'm not aware of...

Unless the Air Force has standing-cockpit planes I’m not aware of…

killing someone by tearing their fighter jet to pieces, but still. And the Transporter can apparently reconfigure his bone structure in the matter stream. This is an indicator of some of the next-level transporter magic we’re going to be seeing down the road. Kirk is trying to be all gentle and understanding and the fighter pilot is justifiably terrified and responding as if he expects to be taken prisoner.

On the lift ride to the bridge, Captain James Kirk gets to explain some details about the Federation to the pilot, Captain John Cristopher. There are 12 Constitution-class ships in the fleet and Starfleet is apparently called the United Earth Space Probe Agency. This is not as punchy and I can see why they changed it. There’s a cute moment as they step off the lift, Captain Christopher roundly denouncing the existence of ‘little green men’ and Spock agreeing. We have to remember that Captain Christopher is from a world still waiting to see if the two ‘winners’ of World War II are going to destroy each other. The idea of a United Earth and military service for aliens is exactly the kind of jarring, hopeful note that Star Trek is about. Checkov hasn’t shown up yet, but Uhura and Sulu are prominent bridge officers to constantly remind the viewer that this is a multiethnic crew that represents all of Earth, and beyond.

Spock gives Kirk a brief lesson on temporal paradox, they all meet up in his

"I'm sorry, gentlemen I... thought I closed my porn before I... showed up for duty this morning."

“I’m sorry, gentlemen I… thought I closed my porn before I… showed up for duty this morning.”

quarters, and the Computer starts talking sexy at Kirk in front of company. I’m not even joking. He’s making a log entry and it responds “Computed and recorded, dear” in Majel Barret’s sultriest tones. We can presume this is some kind of malfuction either due to the damage, the time warp, or some sort of high-level ARPA electronic warfare. As a veteran of Next Generation, though, I have to wonder if the computer just gained sentience. Kirk, however, is having none of it.

"I swear, I don't go to these websites."

“I swear, I don’t go to these websites.”

"It would be improper to accuse my captain of spanking it while on duty in front of a temporal native. Therefore I will roll my eyes at you, sir."

“It would be improper to accuse my captain of spanking it while on duty in front of a temporal native. Therefore I will roll my eyes at you, sir.”

Nope, I was wrong. Apparently, the last time the Enterprise was in for maintinance, the engineers didn’t think the computer had enough of a personality. Since their entire engineering team was female and Kirk probably tried to bone half of them, this is clearly some form of elaborate revenge. But in the midst of this levity, Kirk breaks the news to Captain Christopher that they can’t let him go home. Not that they have anywhere to go, either. CUE DRAMATIC HORNS AND COMMERCIAL BREA- oh wait, Netflix. Carry on.

Oh well. Good thing they have to return him because he has another son who’ll be instrumental in the space program. I guess they’ll have to send him back, either sworn to secrecy or as a conspirator, and remove all evidence of their presence. Looks like conspirator is going to be the order of the day, so that’s nice and heartwarming, at least. Almost makes up for Kirk and Sulu getting caught erasing the evidence and accidentally kidnapping an MP. This is rapidly turning into one of those plans where they kidnap everyone who notices that they’re kidnapping people. Hey, I saw a clip from this epiosode this morning in a music video I remember from years ago. It’s just a feel-good video.

Trust me, these screen shots are not doing the episode justice.

Trust me, these screen shots are not doing the episode justice.

This episode has some of the best looks so far. It’s a comedy of errors and whatever else he is, The Shat is very expressive. They’re really getting into the stride of it by this point – over the last five episodes we’ve had a good mix of heavy episodes and silly ones, with most of the teething problems sorted out except McCoy’s obstinate refusal to be anything like a rational person. This interrogation scene makes me really want to skip ahead to Star Trek IVThe Voyage Home but I will be good and get through it all. For you, dear reader. All for you.

This episode also marks the first time we see anything resembling a replicator. Presumably it was installed when the Enterprise got the pornographic desktop app installed, because up until now food has only come from the galley and has mostly been gelatinous protein cubes.  Now they can make chicken soup in the transporter room. However, it looks like they need to use removable memory cards to load in the replicator pattern.

I’m not sure I follow Spock’s logic that the same thing that sent you back in time will also send you forward, but I guess that’s why he’s the Vulcan and I’m not. As they make a course for home, Captain Christopher, waiting to be transported back to Earth before the entire episode happened, gets to be the first man past Mercury.

New desktop background.

New desktop background.


TOS: S1E18: “Arena”

In which the Enterprise doesn’t bother to use sensors and nearly loses the entire command staff, we see 23rd century defensive weaponry, and what the hell, I’m watching Star Trek not MacGyver.

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TOS: S1E17: “The Squire of Gothos”

In which an uninhabitable planet has a castle, the crew taunt a child by taking away his green plastic army men, and we get a real sense of who Kirk was as a child.  Continue reading

TOS: S1E16: “The Galileo Seven”

In which exploration takes a backseat to humanitarian aid, Spock and Scotty are the only sane people on a shuttlecraft, and I draw entirely the wrong lesson.

If I'm remembering what little astrophysics I know correctly, this is a false-color image of a black hole ejecting a stream of stellar matter. It is one of the most utterly metal things in nature.  |m|(^_^)|m|

If I’m remembering what little astrophysics I know correctly, this is a false-color image of a black hole ejecting a stream of stellar matter. It is one of the most utterly metal things in nature.

Guys, I’m trying really hard not to read the Neflix plot synopses, and I don’t always succeed. This one may get a little ricockulous. Just so you know.

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TOS: S1E15: “Shore Leave”

In which Kirk gets kinky, McCoy suffers withdrawal, and one of the writers latched on to a psychological study.

We don’t open with a log entry, so today is not a crisis day, but we do open with

"It's good to be the captain."

“It’s good to be the captain.”

Kirk showing symptoms of prolonged stress and fatigue.  I suppose once the captain gets stressed, he gets to make the call to let the crew off for a picnic. Even Spock is commenting on the frailties of humans and the need to let them rest. Meanwhile, McCoy and Sulu are down on the surface of an idylic planet talking about how much everyone needs a picnic. McCoy makes an offhand comment about Alice in Wonderland, and those of you who have any familiarity with Original Series Trek at all know what’s coming next.

If you guessed 'McCoy suffers hallucinations from running out of Saurian Brandy,' you can be forgiven.

If you guessed ‘McCoy suffers hallucinations from running out of Saurian Brandy,’ you can be forgiven.

This is one of those episodes.



McCoy is not prepared for this sort of anarchy. To be fair, I wouldn’t be either. Even Kirk’s log entry sounds incredulous. McCoy reports this to the captain, who jokingly suggests that Alice was following behind. Yeah. And Spock has tricked Kirk into ordering himself to take shore leave. One of the scouting party looks familiar. I do believe that’s Angela Martine, who in “Balance of Terror” lost her fiancee on the very day of their aborted wedding. She seems remarkably over it. Then again, she does get to breathe fresh air for the first time in months. She’s lucky to be on the scouting party, because Kirk cancels the beam-down when he finds the footprints. Gunshots are heard, and it turns out that Sulu just found an old-style revolver just like the one he’s always wanted.

So Kirk and McCoy are talking, Kirk starts reminiscing about an old bully of his in the Academy, and when Alice’s tracks and the rabbit’s split up, Kirk elects to follow the young blonde girl. C’mon, Jim. This is why you have a Reputation. Good thing he’s about to get distracted by that bully punching him across the jaw. All sorts of strange things are coming out of daydreams and performing increasing levels of assault on the crew. Fortunately, there’s a rational explanation for all this – the brain-scanning antennae that keep popping out of rocks and trees.

This is one of those things where we get to watch the crew figure something out and speculate. The question I have is ‘What happened to the people who built all this?’ They clearly have matter replication, sophisticated androids that can perfectly mimic humans, flocks of birds in flight, and large nonhumanoid animals from scanned memory. Did the previous owners move on, or succumb to the inevitable fate of cultures that invent Better Than Life technology and simply stop bothering to live real life? Or did they transcend and keep maintaining this as kind of a public works project?

Get used to this rock. You'll be seeing it again.

Get used to this rock. You’ll be seeing it again.

The Shore Leave Planet machinery doesn’t seem very adept at giving humans what they want, though it’s pretty decent at giving them what they ask for. Therefore, I don’t thiink it actually says all that much about Kirk that it gives him a knock-down drag-out fight with his Academy rival and a chance to get his tunic ripped.

It appears we can increment our God-Like Beings counter. Fortunately, once all the misunderstandings are sorted out, they actually turned out to be benevolent.

TOS: S1E14: “Balance of Terror”

In which we get our first glimpse of the military and political intrigue that makes Star Trek actually worth watching, we see wartime prejudice, and I stop writing these reviews to watch all the WWII submarine movies. All of them.

Of course, maybe he just can't see with that light shining directly into his eyes.

Of course, maybe he just can’t see with that light shining directly into his eyes.

Some sort of ceremony is being performed in which candlelighting is integral, but what’s this? Several outposts are going dark. This is bad news. The Captain won’t let him stop that from performing this wedding, however. Nor will he let Yeoman Rand’s significant looks phase him. But when the alert comes in, he doesn’t even rattle off a hasty “You’re married, in case one of you gets hospitalized responding to this crisis and need next-of-kin status.” Seems kind of remiss to me.

Romulus and Remus have not yet been mentioned on-camera before, but now we know a state of very careful diplomacy exists between them and the Federation, in the form of a Neutral Zone between the two political entities. Several outposts on the border are going dark. In as much of a vacuum as

Because who calls the sector their capital is in "Z-6"?

Because who calls the sector their capital is in “Z-6”?

possible, let’s consider what we know already just from his log entry and what we’ve seen so far. Fact: when faced with an existential memetic threat to the entire Federation, Starfleet enforced a quarantine of its own citizens against Talos IV, rather than take the potentially more expedient measure of glassing the planet. From this we determine that the Federation would prefer not to wage war even when it has the possibility of winning decisively. So it seems likely that the Romulan Star Empire is hostile to the Federation but weaker, or at least more poorly positioned, and thus can’t run roughshod over  a few dozen colonies of a few thousand people each. Furthermore, from the map it looks like the Federation did much better than the Romulans in the conflict between the two. Perhaps only “better” if that red dot is Earth, but I don’t think it is. Spock fills us in on a few details. The Romulans and the Federation clashed back in the 2200s when both ships were using atomic weaponry and unsophisticated ships. No side has ever seen the other because video transmission didn’t exist, apparently. Apparently we’ve exchanged codecs with them lately.

The Stupid Crewman of the week will be Stiles, whose family fought in the Earth/Romulus war. It would seem prudent, at this point, to ask the loudmouth with a family grudge to vacate the tactical console, but I guess they don’t have the crew to spare on spur-of-the-moment shift exchanges. But at least now we know that the Romulans paint their ships like birds. I’m not entirely sure why – it’s not like any species that makes it to space is going to be afraid of a bird, and any planetary culture they try to subjugate will be more afraid of a bird than of a spaceship appearing out of nowhere to spit plasma that can melt through a mile of solid iron.

So Stiles and Sulu believe there’s a spy on board for some reason that is not adequately explained, and fortunately we get to intercept their transmissions home just in time to see that Romulans look like Vulcans. And we get to see a little internal view of the Romulan ship. Highly militarized, which isn’t actually surprising, given the budget of a spacecraft. But more militarized than the Constitution-class. And from some of the dialogue, the society is big on cronyism, to the point where a crewman who broke radio silence while in enemy territory and reduced in rank for it is likely to have his powerful friends cause problems for the Romulan captain.

Apparently, the Romulans have superior weaponry and they have cloaking technology, but only sublight speeds. I’m going to be harping on the “Where No Man Has Gone Before” plan of bombarding a planet with the cancer-beam plan for a while, so shouldn’t it be possible to bait the Romulans into sending a huge fleet, at which point the Federation could flank them and bombard the planet, if it came to total war. The Romulan commander doesn’t appear to be a monster, though, so it’s hopeful it won’t come to that, and we won’t see the Federation have to resort to that until late in Deep Space 9.

"A red eye, lidless, wreathed in flame..."

“A red eye, lidless, wreathed in flame…”

The Romulan ship appears and the Enterprise goes to warp in reverse. They must have caught the plasma ball in the warp field because the alternative – that it’s gaining on them when they’re going superluminal speeds, is not consistent with anything we know about how warp works. Clearly, this weapons is more powerful than phasers, or Kirk wouldn’t be shocked at its destructive power. Then again, ship-to-ship phasers would have hit already, instead of ranging out. The Enterprise phasers hold up better over range. Plus, if they’re trading weapons blasts, at least the crew of the Enterprise has chairs.

"Commander! How do you expect us to get any work done at this shitty console?"

“Commander! How do you expect us to get any work done at this shitty console?”

The Romulans are ejecting chaff. Including corpses. I think it’s time to watch Operation Petticoat again. Kind of a hilarious movie, if I recall. And also full of sexist attitudes, which I should really watch while I’m still inured to them from TOS. We’ve switched into a submarine movie anyway, with both ships running silent. Maybe I’ll watch The Hunt for Red October instead. Sean Connery as a soviet sub commander with a scottish accent. Also, Spock is being kind of a fuckup this episode. This is actually a very good submarine movie wrapped up in half an episode, and is the first real fight the Enterprise has been in. It’s an excellent establisher for the military capabilities of the Constitution-class, which include shrugging off a nuclear device at a hundred meters.  This, in turn, gives us (that is to say, people who are good at physics, which is not me) an idea of the kind of energy output needed to actually penetrate the Enterprise’ defenses, and makes warfare in the 23rd century that much more terrifying.

TOS: S1E13: “The Conscience of the King”

In which we try to puzzle out the difference between mass murder and lifeboat ethics, McCoy knows literally nothing about anything, and Kirk sticks his dick in crazy. 

"Ooh, I should not have had that burrito."

“Ooh, I should not have had that burrito.”

This appears to be a production of MacBeth, despite the title being a reference to Hamlet. Hooray, I was right! Thus begins a long tradition of Starfleet officers performing plays for each other. A lot of people don’t like “Frame of Mind” but I remember it fondly. Only 7 full seasons at 37 episodes to go… This is being performed by Arkturians, and apparently one of them, the actor for MacBeth, is Kodos, who has earned himself a pretty bad-ass appellation. How do I get people to call me “The Executioner?” I’m sure it can’t be too horrible if actors can do it.

This face, which earned a mother's fear and loathing, a mask, my first unfeeling scrap of clothing...

This face, which earned a mother’s fear and loathing, a mask, my first unfeeling scrap of clothing…

Yeah, see, all he did was kill 4,000 people horribly and dye this guy’s Phantom of the Opera mask black. Kirk doesn’t seem to want to believe this actor is Kodos, but we all know this wouldn’t be an episode if one war-scarred refugee had an episode of PTSD triggered by someone who looked like space-mini-Hitler. And it turns out that the actor didn’t seem to exist before Kodos’ death. But let’s not spoil the mood – Kirk beams down to a party where a trumpet with heavy muting is doing a slow jazz version of the opening titles. I kind of want that. It makes a perfect place for Kirk to flirt with space-mini-Hitler’s daughter who plays Lady MacBeth to space-mini-Hitler’s MacBeth. So far we have Hamlet, MacBeth, the Holocaust and Electra all piled into one episode. That’s one way to subvert tropes – make it impossible to tell which classic you’re cribbing off of. Seriously though, Kirk. Try not to stick it in Hitler’s daughter.

Let’s take a moment on that, actually. this is another bit of the kind of implicit world-building that Star Trek is actually pretty good at. Kodos gets the sobriquet “The Executioner” because he killed 4,000 people on a colony that he was governor of. I’m actually struggling to think of anyone in contemporary history that killed 4,000 people. I had to go to Wikipedia’s list of genocides by death toll (link here for those who want to be depressed) and I’d be willing to bet good money that most people haven’t even heard of any of the genocides of fewer than half a million. But this Kodos guy is essentially a direct parallel to Hitler, right down to his corpse being burnt to unrecognizability, but with a death count five orders of magnitude lower. It’d suck to be on that planet, but if that’s the caliber of mass murderer the future can come up with, sign me up. I like them odds.

Kirk’s friend with the half a balaclava is dead, which lends some credence to the whole conspiracy theory. Kirk asks the ship that was going to transport he actors to let him do it, and beams up. And is being a very sly fox about it when he ‘reluctantly’ agrees to take the company to their next stop, despite ‘regulations.’ Lenore, who is the daughter of space-Ratko Mladic (Did you read that list? No? Then you don’t get to complain when I don’t introduce historical referents.)

There's at least three good paragraphs of insight into Rand's personality in this one shot.

There’s at least three good paragraphs of insight into Rand’s personality in this one shot.

There are 9 (well, 8, now) living people who have actually seen Kodos, and one of them aside from Kirk works on the Enterprise. Kirk makes some duty shifts which are likely to result in the untimely death of the poor officer in question, and Spock is concerned. I’d be pretty concerned too if the CEO of a 500-person company started making staffing decisions on the operational level. McCoy makes an offhand remark about Spock’s father’s race being

I don't care if she IS fondling the ship and saying 'throbbing,' Kirk. Don't stick it in space-Mladic's daughter.

I don’t care if she IS fondling the ship and saying ‘throbbing,’ Kirk. Don’t stick it in space-Mladic’s daughter.

conquered. Excuse me, what now? I don’t recall anything like that happening, except in the mirror universe. Is this just more of McCoy being basically the worst at everything, or is there something here? By contrast, the upcoming dialogue about simulating day and night conditions aboard the Enterprise is pretty mundane. Mostly.

Ugh, let’s just skip past the ’60s dialogue. I don’t want it. Go away. It’s not as bad as “Mudd’s Women” because nothing will ever be, but it’s still pretty bad. Let’s instead skip to Spock’s detective work and explanation to McCoy (who is the worst at everything including history, let’s remember) that Kodos was the governer of Tarsus during an episode of extreme famine. Declared martial law, performed triage on the population and started murdering 50% of the population as quickly and painlessly as possible. Also, all the rest of the eyewitnesses except for Kirk and that drunken Riley douchebag from “The Naked Time” are dead. Well, for now. Riley is all alone in the engine room. Way to go, Kirk. Someone put laundry detergent in Riley’s milk and it’s all your fault.

Soneone put a phaser on overload in Kirk’s quarters. This apparently merits “double red alert.” Gee, it sure would be nice if someone could lock onto the energy signature and and transport it a thousand kilometers into space. Instead, Kirk has to find it and throw it down the garbage chute, which makes it safe, somehow.

We get an excerpt from Kodos’ old speeches, which are remarkably similar to some of the lifeboat ethics that British officers used to be (and maybe still

This is getting pretty heavy. Time for another poop joke.

This is getting pretty heavy. Time for another poop joke.

are) trained in. If you’re twenty days from shore with only enough supplies for 8 people to make it for 15 days, is it wrong to try to make as many survivors as possible? If you’re in command and you do the math, 6 people can last for the 20 days. Kirk has the benefit of looking back and knowing that the supply ships arrived earlier than they were expected to, but Kodos had no such assurances. Kirk has the benefit of a life outlook that doesn’t bow to no-win scenarios, but how exactly does he think he would have handled that situation, if he were governor? Let 8,000 people die of starvation, so long as his finger wasn’t the one on the trigger? That smells like bullshit to me.

Riley hears McCoy logging that Karidian might be Kodos, so here comes some conduct unbecoming an officer. But on a lighter note, the ship actually does have a dedicated theater. For some reason. And the daughter is the one who was doing all the murdering. Which at least explains how that phaser got into his quarters. Womp womp. she’s a little crazypants. So is the moral here “murder runs in families” or “actors… go figure.”

Overly Murderous Girlfriend.

Overly Murderous Girlfriend.


TOS: S1E12: “The Menagerie”

In which Spock plots, the plot plods, and the pilot plotzes. 

Part 1

They don't paint 'em like they used to.

They don’t paint ’em like they used to.

Dat background. My god. Reminds me of the Georgio Moroder colorized and disco-ized version of Metropolis. You should watch it, because I shouldn’t be the only person going mad here. This is Starbase 11, where the officers wear flowers instead of the little trek arrow thing. You know, I’m actually not sure what to call that thing. Also, apparently not all the personnel wear the flower-sunbirst thing. Anyway, I digress. Chris Pike, previous commander of the Enterprise, was aboard a training vessel and it exploded. He saved a bunch of children and now lives in a toilet. He only communicates by yes/no answers. Stephen Hawking has more communication potential than Pike.

Luckily, we established just a few episodes ago that Spock can read minds, so if he could – oh no wait, he already has a plan. He’s going to disobey Pike’s BEEP BEEP (no) and abduct him and take him somewhere. Now, at this point, it’s prudent tom remember that Spock served under Pike in the pilot “The Cage”. Given the name of the episode, it’s not guaranteed to be cheating if I guess that Spock will be taking Pike to Talos IV. However, I am cheating. I remember that as a thing that happens.

It seems wrong to me that this starbase is on land. I don’t know why, but starbases just feel like they should be in space, or in orbit. Nonetheless, it is. Also, Spock appears to be the only one who knew that Pike was here and horribly injured, and it leads to an entertaining shouting match between Kirk and the administrator of Starbase 11.

Kirk’s a little racist. I mean, he’s not malicious-racist, but he’s really generalizing. “No Vulcan can be disloyal.” There are worse predjudices, but still. I guess if the Civil Rights movement is still happening, ‘good predjudices’ is more realistic than ‘no predjudices,’ So before we do analysis of “First Contact” and “Enterprise”,  I’ll do a quick preamble and remind everyone that the Vulcans show up to an Earth devastated by civil war and play the part of benevolent overlords for a while, carefully doling out science at a rate they believe humanity can handle. Humanity isn’t such a fan of this but at least the governing bodies have graduated beyond the ‘kill ’em all and take their stuff’ model of political relations. So it makes sense that Starfleet isn’t exactly brimming with Vulcans (who see no logic in joining the military for another species). In that context, it does make sense that Kirk hasn’t exactly met all that many vulcans. The one he’s met is a paragon of all the virtues Kirk is trained to find valuable, because they’re both Starfleet officers.

But I digress.

Spock has thought ahead and made tapes of Kirk giving false orders, and has enough foresight to include some confirmation messages. I’m not sure whether that’s supposed to be an example of his Vulcan logic, or just competent Starfleet training. McCoy, meanwhile, is doing a little soliloquey about how humans are primarily the brain.He’s also making a soliloquey about how Spock is incapable of going bananapants and running amok. This is because McCoy knows literally nothing about Vulcans.

Kirk is being told to read up on Talos IV, which is restricted under the only

But where's the flush lever?

But where’s the flush lever?

death penalty in Starfleet. So I guess it wasn’t too much of a spoiler when I told you this was going to happen. And now Spock has absconded with Pike and the Enterprise on autopilot.  I have to wonder, though, just how Spock managed to make these recordings of Kirk. The Enterprise is being chased by a starbase shuttlecraft. Which implies that shuttlecraft can keep up with a starship that’s trying to evade pursuit. They do not, however, have the range for it, so that answers that question.

Let’s take a moment to discuss the Talos IV death penalty. It makes sense, but because it seems an incongruity for the Federation, I’ll go into it. The Talosians are terrifying, a threat which does not operate by force of arms, but on brains. As we saw in “The Cage” they are capable of masking themselves, physical objects, and generally creating mental illusions for multiple people that are indistinguishable from reality. If Talosian containment is breached by a creature seriously wishing harm to the Federation, it’s unclear how Starfleet would even know there was a threat until too late. They would be the perfect spies. They would be the perfect saboteurs. Assuming one was both malevolent and patient, the Federation could be taken apart from the inside by one being. To publicize that would also be dangerous, so the top brass in charge have decided to resurrect the death penalty, solely for the crime of breaking quarantine of a planet full of the scariest species in the galaxy. After all, a Klingon can only kill you.

Spock has locked the Enterprise on course to Talos IV and has demanded to be court-martialled by Kirk, whatshisface from the starbase, and Pike. And has maneuvered himself into being able to present whatever story he wants to tell. Clever, or perhaps the starbase commander is just that dumb.

Wait, if these are from the logs, then WHO WAS PHONE?!?!

Wait, if these are from the logs, then WHO WAS PHONE?!?!

Also, are we going to get to see Kirk look at Pike’s first officer and go “Holy shit, that’s Chrisitine Chapel! Isn’t she supposed to be schtuping that robot doctor from ‘What Are Little Girls Made Of?’ at this point?” Apparently not. What we are going to see is basically a recap of “The Cage.” Having watched that episode already, it’s a little more poignant watching Chris Pike talk about how he’d like to retire and go on all kinds of adventures, which the Talosians then try to give him. Which is Spock’s point, of course. The Talosians didn’t seem to want to conquer the galaxy, but to live vicariously though the dreams of others. Given that Pike is stuck inside a toilet tank, it’s pretty clear that this is a win-win for Pike and for the Talosians.

From here on in it looks like we’re just looking at a recap of “The Cage” but with a frame story. This makes sense because “The Cage” wasn’t actually aired until 1986. This is actually a two-part episode but since I’ve covered most of it already I’m going to combine them. This will also make episode numbers for the rest of the season line up with those on Wikipedia.

The lionization of Vina is further evidence that Talos IV is basically perfect for Pike in his condition. One of the fun questions we can ask ourselves in watching that episode again is “when did they actually break through the door?”

Ah. These images are coming from Talos IV, which explains how we manage to see things from the narrator’s point of view. Of course, this revelation is a sufficient cliffhanger to take us into PART TWO!!!

Part 2

In which we recap “The Cage,”  the court-martial continues, and 

There is no reason for this expression. None.

There is no reason for this expression. None. It literally happens for no reason. 

Spock is narrating “The Cage” for Kirk and really-who-cares-what-his-name-is. It’s a shame that the story frame-structure calls for this, because that was a pretty decent episode. I’m not sure that came off in my review, because I was drunk at the time of writing it, but it doesn’t suffer from a lot of the problems that plagued the early main season. I’m not sure I can forgive Star Trek for “Mudd’s Women,” but it does make every other episode look better by comparison. Also, the more I look at that screenshot, the more Vina resembles Paris Hilton. That’s really unfortunate.

With the transmission stopped unexpectedly, the three commanders can only vote Guilty. It’s only after the Enterprise enters orbit over Talos IV that we get to continue watching the episode. Funnily, I don’t actually remember some of this ending dialogue. It feels like some scenes were re-shot to make it more reasonable for Spock to be acquitted.

What, the commodore was an illusion this whole time? Kind of a Deus Ex Machina. But what’s terrifying is that the Talosians appear to be capable of using their ju-ju from light-years away. I’m not sure that the quarantine order is going to be at all effective. At this point, it’s as if the Federation tried to quarantine the Q. They’re just going to do what they want anyway. In this case, you might be able to enforce a quarantine zone of several light-years radius around their planet, but given that this radius extends all the way to Starbase 11, I’m not sure how feasible this is. The Federation just has to count its lucky stars that the Talosians are not hostile. I don’t think they’d allow that whole ‘bombard the planet with phasers until there’s nothing left but debris’ maneuver they threatened before.

TOS: S1E11: “The Corbomite Maneuver”

In which Kirk blows up a screensaver, a new officer is really bad at his job, and a change to a more sustainable schedule causes the episode featuring a flying baby to air on Valentine’s Day.

The Enterprise is now farther out that any human has ever been, and is making star maps. There are doing this by taking photographs. Photographs. I mean, presumably these will be entered into the database for parallax analysis and converted to 3D computer models, but shouldn’t this be a core function of the ship you send on a five-year mission to uncharted territory? Shouldn’t it passively gather stellar positioning data automatically? If not continually, then at least without manual input. This is like systems administration 101, guys. Suddenly! A ship approaches aggressively! We can’t evade!
"It appears to be... a screensaver, sir."

“It appears to be… a screensaver, sir.”

I’ve noticed Uhura switches back and forth between Command Yellow and Operations Red. I assume this is a production order thing and not that Uhura keeps requesting a transfer into and out of command track. Anyone have details on this?

The screensaver ship is tiny – about the size of the bridge. Spock is handling things for the moment while the captain gets his physical, and apparently McCoy is authorized to allow the captain to ignore a Red Alert. I’m not convinced this is good practice, particularly if the captain is just doing reclining leg presses. I mean, maybe if he was incapacitated with some temporal brain-worm, but not for a physical.

Crewman Baily is not having a good day of it. He’s tried mouthing off to both Spock and Kirk and presumed that Kirk wants to just blow up the cube instead of trying to evade it. I wouldn’t be surprised if he finds a red shirt instead of a gold one in his locker tomorrow morning. Was there more

Come to think of it, my cup runneth empty right about now...

Come to think of it, my cup runneth empty right about now…

terrible students in his year than they had red uniforms? The cube ship is spinning really fast, emiting ionizing radiation, and glowing too bright. Which sounds exciting, I know, but don’t let that fool you. It’s just colorful. Apparently the colors are too much for Baily, the buttmonkey of this episode. He’s just bad at obeying orders. We are, however, treated to a touching scene where McCoy calls Kirk out on promoting Baily too fast and then being too harsh with him.

Kirk is a man after my own heart. Brandy at work and horrified revulsion at a salad. This is not food, it’s what food eats. Fortunately for him, an actual ship interrupts his rumination. (Biology joke! Zing!) A sphere with a tractor beam, this time as much larger than the Enterprise as the Enterprise was larger than the cube – about a mile across. Commanded by this Balok person, who decides to eliminate the Enterprise. Trying a little to hard with the whole “ten earth time periods known as minutes” thing, though.

This is acutally a wonderful speech by Kirk. I will therefore quote it verbatim:

Captain to crew. Those of you who have served for long on this vessel have encountered alien lifeforms. You know the greatest danger facing us is ourselves, an irrational fear of the unknown. But there’s no such thing as the unknown, only things temporarily hidden, temporarily not understood. In most cases we have found that intelligence capable of a civilization is capable of understanding peaceful gestures. Surely a lifeform advanced enough for space travel is advanced enough to eventually understand our motives. All decks stand by. Captain out.

His mouth says 'what do they want from us' but his eyes say 'I should probably not be allowed on the Bridge any more.'

His mouth says ‘what do they want from us’ but his eyes say ‘I should probably not be allowed on the Bridge any more.’

So after this point, Balok shows up on screen as your classic long-faced no-haired slit-eyed Area 51 alien and says, basically, “You have no chance to survive make your time.” This does not go over well with Baily, which does not go over well with Kirk. Do they just pick random people off the street and offer them a place on a starship?

There’s not a whole lot of really interesting non-synopsis hooks in this episode, except that we have the rare chance to see Kirk stressed. The imminent destruction of his ship puts him into that state we see in Quirky Detective shows like Psych or Monk, where all the details come together marinated in adrenaline, and a plan forms. Don’t play poker against Kirk, and don’t try to give him a no-win scenario. These are basically his defining character traits.

Actually, let’s talk about poker for a moment. It’s used in Star Trek as the quintessentially human game. Here, Spock mentions chess as a game of logic, and when the game is over, both parties know. Kirk counters with poker, where a determined player can win on nothing. It is a game bounded by math but illogical. In Next Generation, we get to see a number of different approaches converge. LaForge and Crusher generally play Greek chorus, though they do have their moments. The game tends to be between the instinctual Riker, the emotionally analytic Troi, the numerically analytic Data, and Worf who, despite growing up human, doesn’t really get the game because it clashes with his idea of who he should be. In other words, a human insider, an alien insider, an alien outsider, and a human outsider. Star Trek uses poker like Babylon 5 uses elevators – a metaphor for raw interaction with all the trappings of civilization stripped away. On these terms, don’t play poker with Kirk. He’ll get you to fold a full house against his seven high.

Babies, man. Can't fuckin' trust 'em.

Babies, man. Can’t fuckin’ trust ’em.


Especially not if you are a tiny baby man who commands from a couch. This is one of those things the Star Trek original series just does sometimes, and you just gotta roll with it. Like time travel at the end of The Naked Time. Why is Balok a baby? Why is the whole thing a ruse to test the intentions of Starfleet? No reason. Hell with it.