TOS: S1E24: “This Side of Paradise”

In which Spock loves, McCoy drinks a mint julep, and good old human anger is once again the cure to all mental control effects.

Continue reading

TOS: S1E23: “A Taste of Armageddon”

In which Starfleet’s Ambassadorial staff are a bunch of morons, lots of things are brought up that are best forgotten, and Kirk is surprisingly rationalist  – multiplying, even if he won’t shut up. Continue reading

TOS: S1E22: “Space Seed”

In which we learn of the Eugenics war, McCoy’s unwillingness to report being attacked by a patient, and the answer to the age-old question: Khan Noonien Singh? Not a note in the whole episode.

Continue reading

TOS: S1E21: “The Return of the Archons”

In which Sulu wears a hat, cults are roundly denounced, and Kirk shouts a surprisingly sophisticated thesis on the difference between what a society thinks it wants and what’s actually good for it.

Continue reading

TOS: S1E20: “Court Martial”

In which we examine the continuous relevance of books in an increasingly computerized age, particularly in legal matters where intent is everything: A Time To Kirk, The Devil’s AdvoKirk, and To Kirk A Mockingbird.

Continue reading

TOS: S1E19: “Tomorrow Is Yesterday”

In which I open a bottle of BenRiach 12-year, Kiirk gets pornographic malware, and we see the least coherent theory of time travel ever.

Something something flying saucer section... ehh, fuck it.

Something something flying saucer section… ehh, fuck it.

We’re opening on a US Airforce base. Since all of those were destroyed in the Eugenics Wars, we can presume this is either one of those ‘duplicated earth’ episodes or this is the payoff from the time travel method we discovered in “The Naked Time.” The Air Force appears to have discovered the Enterprise on their radar. And it appears to be teetering back and forth through the sky like it’s drunk.

I never noticed that in the opening credits there appears to be a hurricane covering most of the northern hemisphere of a desert world. What’s up with that?

The Enterprise seems to have been caught near a “black star” or more probably a black hole and done another slingshot maneuver like in “The Naked Time” (Ha! Called it!) to wind up, in Kirk’s words “here, wherever we are.” Helpfully, as soon as the ship is in good shape Kirk orders starfleet command notified so they can update their maps. Presumably therefore, in the 23rd century they have yet to master sensors that operate at high warp. But when they call Starfleet, all they get is the evening news about the first manned trip to the moon. Extremely topical.

It’s worth noting at this point that anything the Enterprise does that affects the past will be altered by any events which alter Kirk’s life. I’m looking at you, JJ Abrams-universe.

The Temporal Prime Directive doesn’t exist yet, though, so Kirk has the pilot of a US Air Force jet beamed aboard. I suppose it’s better than accidentally

Unless the Air Force has standing-cockpit planes I'm not aware of...

Unless the Air Force has standing-cockpit planes I’m not aware of…

killing someone by tearing their fighter jet to pieces, but still. And the Transporter can apparently reconfigure his bone structure in the matter stream. This is an indicator of some of the next-level transporter magic we’re going to be seeing down the road. Kirk is trying to be all gentle and understanding and the fighter pilot is justifiably terrified and responding as if he expects to be taken prisoner.

On the lift ride to the bridge, Captain James Kirk gets to explain some details about the Federation to the pilot, Captain John Cristopher. There are 12 Constitution-class ships in the fleet and Starfleet is apparently called the United Earth Space Probe Agency. This is not as punchy and I can see why they changed it. There’s a cute moment as they step off the lift, Captain Christopher roundly denouncing the existence of ‘little green men’ and Spock agreeing. We have to remember that Captain Christopher is from a world still waiting to see if the two ‘winners’ of World War II are going to destroy each other. The idea of a United Earth and military service for aliens is exactly the kind of jarring, hopeful note that Star Trek is about. Checkov hasn’t shown up yet, but Uhura and Sulu are prominent bridge officers to constantly remind the viewer that this is a multiethnic crew that represents all of Earth, and beyond.

Spock gives Kirk a brief lesson on temporal paradox, they all meet up in his

"I'm sorry, gentlemen I... thought I closed my porn before I... showed up for duty this morning."

“I’m sorry, gentlemen I… thought I closed my porn before I… showed up for duty this morning.”

quarters, and the Computer starts talking sexy at Kirk in front of company. I’m not even joking. He’s making a log entry and it responds “Computed and recorded, dear” in Majel Barret’s sultriest tones. We can presume this is some kind of malfuction either due to the damage, the time warp, or some sort of high-level ARPA electronic warfare. As a veteran of Next Generation, though, I have to wonder if the computer just gained sentience. Kirk, however, is having none of it.

"I swear, I don't go to these websites."

“I swear, I don’t go to these websites.”

"It would be improper to accuse my captain of spanking it while on duty in front of a temporal native. Therefore I will roll my eyes at you, sir."

“It would be improper to accuse my captain of spanking it while on duty in front of a temporal native. Therefore I will roll my eyes at you, sir.”

Nope, I was wrong. Apparently, the last time the Enterprise was in for maintinance, the engineers didn’t think the computer had enough of a personality. Since their entire engineering team was female and Kirk probably tried to bone half of them, this is clearly some form of elaborate revenge. But in the midst of this levity, Kirk breaks the news to Captain Christopher that they can’t let him go home. Not that they have anywhere to go, either. CUE DRAMATIC HORNS AND COMMERCIAL BREA- oh wait, Netflix. Carry on.

Oh well. Good thing they have to return him because he has another son who’ll be instrumental in the space program. I guess they’ll have to send him back, either sworn to secrecy or as a conspirator, and remove all evidence of their presence. Looks like conspirator is going to be the order of the day, so that’s nice and heartwarming, at least. Almost makes up for Kirk and Sulu getting caught erasing the evidence and accidentally kidnapping an MP. This is rapidly turning into one of those plans where they kidnap everyone who notices that they’re kidnapping people. Hey, I saw a clip from this epiosode this morning in a music video I remember from years ago. It’s just a feel-good video.

Trust me, these screen shots are not doing the episode justice.

Trust me, these screen shots are not doing the episode justice.

This episode has some of the best looks so far. It’s a comedy of errors and whatever else he is, The Shat is very expressive. They’re really getting into the stride of it by this point – over the last five episodes we’ve had a good mix of heavy episodes and silly ones, with most of the teething problems sorted out except McCoy’s obstinate refusal to be anything like a rational person. This interrogation scene makes me really want to skip ahead to Star Trek IVThe Voyage Home but I will be good and get through it all. For you, dear reader. All for you.

This episode also marks the first time we see anything resembling a replicator. Presumably it was installed when the Enterprise got the pornographic desktop app installed, because up until now food has only come from the galley and has mostly been gelatinous protein cubes.  Now they can make chicken soup in the transporter room. However, it looks like they need to use removable memory cards to load in the replicator pattern.

I’m not sure I follow Spock’s logic that the same thing that sent you back in time will also send you forward, but I guess that’s why he’s the Vulcan and I’m not. As they make a course for home, Captain Christopher, waiting to be transported back to Earth before the entire episode happened, gets to be the first man past Mercury.

New desktop background.

New desktop background.

 

TOS: S1E18: “Arena”

In which the Enterprise doesn’t bother to use sensors and nearly loses the entire command staff, we see 23rd century defensive weaponry, and what the hell, I’m watching Star Trek not MacGyver.

Continue reading

TOS: S1E17: “The Squire of Gothos”

In which an uninhabitable planet has a castle, the crew taunt a child by taking away his green plastic army men, and we get a real sense of who Kirk was as a child.  Continue reading

TOS: S1E16: “The Galileo Seven”

In which exploration takes a backseat to humanitarian aid, Spock and Scotty are the only sane people on a shuttlecraft, and I draw entirely the wrong lesson.

If I'm remembering what little astrophysics I know correctly, this is a false-color image of a black hole ejecting a stream of stellar matter. It is one of the most utterly metal things in nature.  |m|(^_^)|m|

If I’m remembering what little astrophysics I know correctly, this is a false-color image of a black hole ejecting a stream of stellar matter. It is one of the most utterly metal things in nature.

Guys, I’m trying really hard not to read the Neflix plot synopses, and I don’t always succeed. This one may get a little ricockulous. Just so you know.

Continue reading

TOS: S1E15: “Shore Leave”

In which Kirk gets kinky, McCoy suffers withdrawal, and one of the writers latched on to a psychological study.

We don’t open with a log entry, so today is not a crisis day, but we do open with

"It's good to be the captain."

“It’s good to be the captain.”

Kirk showing symptoms of prolonged stress and fatigue.  I suppose once the captain gets stressed, he gets to make the call to let the crew off for a picnic. Even Spock is commenting on the frailties of humans and the need to let them rest. Meanwhile, McCoy and Sulu are down on the surface of an idylic planet talking about how much everyone needs a picnic. McCoy makes an offhand comment about Alice in Wonderland, and those of you who have any familiarity with Original Series Trek at all know what’s coming next.

If you guessed 'McCoy suffers hallucinations from running out of Saurian Brandy,' you can be forgiven.

If you guessed ‘McCoy suffers hallucinations from running out of Saurian Brandy,’ you can be forgiven.

This is one of those episodes.

what.

“What.”

McCoy is not prepared for this sort of anarchy. To be fair, I wouldn’t be either. Even Kirk’s log entry sounds incredulous. McCoy reports this to the captain, who jokingly suggests that Alice was following behind. Yeah. And Spock has tricked Kirk into ordering himself to take shore leave. One of the scouting party looks familiar. I do believe that’s Angela Martine, who in “Balance of Terror” lost her fiancee on the very day of their aborted wedding. She seems remarkably over it. Then again, she does get to breathe fresh air for the first time in months. She’s lucky to be on the scouting party, because Kirk cancels the beam-down when he finds the footprints. Gunshots are heard, and it turns out that Sulu just found an old-style revolver just like the one he’s always wanted.

So Kirk and McCoy are talking, Kirk starts reminiscing about an old bully of his in the Academy, and when Alice’s tracks and the rabbit’s split up, Kirk elects to follow the young blonde girl. C’mon, Jim. This is why you have a Reputation. Good thing he’s about to get distracted by that bully punching him across the jaw. All sorts of strange things are coming out of daydreams and performing increasing levels of assault on the crew. Fortunately, there’s a rational explanation for all this – the brain-scanning antennae that keep popping out of rocks and trees.

This is one of those things where we get to watch the crew figure something out and speculate. The question I have is ‘What happened to the people who built all this?’ They clearly have matter replication, sophisticated androids that can perfectly mimic humans, flocks of birds in flight, and large nonhumanoid animals from scanned memory. Did the previous owners move on, or succumb to the inevitable fate of cultures that invent Better Than Life technology and simply stop bothering to live real life? Or did they transcend and keep maintaining this as kind of a public works project?

Get used to this rock. You'll be seeing it again.

Get used to this rock. You’ll be seeing it again.

The Shore Leave Planet machinery doesn’t seem very adept at giving humans what they want, though it’s pretty decent at giving them what they ask for. Therefore, I don’t thiink it actually says all that much about Kirk that it gives him a knock-down drag-out fight with his Academy rival and a chance to get his tunic ripped.

It appears we can increment our God-Like Beings counter. Fortunately, once all the misunderstandings are sorted out, they actually turned out to be benevolent.